The Greatest Love
by Ellourrah
Summary: A true Chibi-usa and Helios love story, the way it was intended!


Warning! This is a satire! Read at your own risk of being offended and/or amused as hell.

Once upon a time, there was a little pink-haired girl who didn't really know anything other than how to whine and get her way. Since she was a princess, it made her cute even when she did truly awful things to the people around her. Like the time she totally turned her dad on her mom because she wanted to screw him herself.

Girl didn't have to read Oedipus. Obviously.

So, instead of working on her education, or even bothering to maybe be a regular ten-year-old girl, or playing with dolls, she flounced around town trying to hit on her dad and subsequently pissing off her mom (while simultaneously calling her mom immature). Never mind the fact that she stole a time key, and the Silver Crystal on a whim because of an elementary school problem she probably should have just talked to her parents about.

"Hey Chibi-usa, where are you headed?" Minako asked. The tall blond really had no desire to know, since she was too busy checking out a construction worker across the street.

"Oh, just out to ruin Usagi's day. It's better if I can make her look like an idiot in front of Mamo-chan rather than learning to take responsibility for my actions."

"Great, great! Well, libido calls! Have fun!" And with that, the junior high girl wandered off down the street to engage in questionable activities with a man ten years older than her. So it was a regular Tuesday.

"Now all I have to do is ask Usagi to do something she sucks at! That way I'll be the victim and Mamo-chan will spend more time with me!" She grinned happily, skipping down the street with the pleasant thought of sleeping with her own father.

"Hey, you're kind of cute. Want to make out?" a young boy asked curiously. Chibi-usa turned, and with great delight saw a beautiful winged unicorn staring at her from across the park. She wasted no time running up to pet the animal and forgot all about her creepy incestuous tenancies.

"You're so pretty!"

"Yeah, it's because I've been castrated by the writer." The horse smiled charmingly, and suddenly Chibi-usa forgot all about using her brain, or wondering what sort of cross-species contaminations can happen between a human and a horse.

"Yeah, let's make out! It's so much better when I know you're sterile!"

'Haha, so she falls for it!' thought the flying unicorn, who had visions of the child popping out multiple flying centaur babies with bright pink hair.

"Yes, let's do! Once you go bestial, you never go back! That's what I always say!"

And they happily skipped into the sunset to have raw, nasty, unhindered interspecies sex.

The end.

Stay tuned for part two: Chibi-usa Carries a Foal!

This one will definitely need some explanation. Bear with me, I'm about to rant.

Against my better judgement, I have decided to capitulate on the bestial relations of a spoiled princess and her pet flying unicorn. It's every brony's dream. I have to explain a few things before we get started.

Chibi-usa's character is easily the most obnoxious, convenient plot device I've ever seen used short of all of Twilight. Need a scapegoat? Chibi-usa. Need tension between Usagi and Mamoru? Chibi-usa. Need someone to guide our heroes to the bad guy…you get where I'm going with this.

The girl is literally there to wreak havoc. Re-watch the 90's anime. She spends zero time trying to chase down help for her mom, or the future, or giving information on the enemy, or connecting Pluto to the others so the Senshi can be the useful one. Instead, she spends all of her time harassing Usagi, then treating the situation like she's the innocent victim.

Girl wants to sleep with her dad. 'Nuff said.

Helios is a boy who's been trapped in an alternate universe since the fall of the Terran kingdom. Real-world experience: zero. Ability to function within a relationship: zero. Ability to interact with another human being without having either a mental breakdown or severe social anxiety: zero.

So…we put these two together? The two most immature and completely incompatible people in all of the story's history…and we put them together? I can see it on a Romeo-Juliet style stage, but since I'm almost positive Shakespeare was attempting to showcase the idiocy that accompanies teenage decision making, it really doesn't look like it would end well.

Her character (and his, I might add,) would have been so much better had we met them with a few more years under their belt. For one, they're poorly developed, two-dimensional characters, and two, projecting into the future would not have taken Chibi-usa's horrific childishness away–it would have made it so much more pronounced. Then we would have had a very interesting character with some serious flaws and a possible mental condition.

That said, flame away ;)


End file.
